Monday, August 12, 2013

Tearful year.


Hello everyone,
well first I wanna say Happy Eid Mubarak to those who celebrate it.
Sorry for my disappearing again since the last post.
And I am so sorry if I blogged any crap here in my own blog, oh well told ya, shit happen, as always. OH sh*t, I really2 f*cked up this time, no jokes.
It's happening again, as what I've been through last year. I just know that 8 was my lucky number *I guess*, but really, August isn't my month even it's 8! Flashback to what happen last year if some of you understand my story.

It's kinda fucked up isn't, when you love someone, deep in your heart, you want to be with him, NO MATTER WHAT. But what would you do if that someone doesn't intended to stay? And choose that one who've been screwed you in past a year back then! *Imagine you were me and said in your mind, "what the f*ck!?".* Oh oh, told ya, SHIT HAPPENS. haha..

It's so heartbreaking right, the one who told you that they love you, suddenly leave, and tell you to find another man, who's better than him, wishing you had a good life. Oh well well.. No words I can say could change anything. You know what it feels like when the one you love the most say that thing? It's like I was punched, straight in my face. Oh okay, well maybe that was the last time you'll ever see me smiling like it's okay, and I'll get over it.
Oh you know, I'm not that kind of smiley face mode ON or OFF. 
Told ya, my dad who's never asked me "are you not in the mood?" suddenly asked me that question today, then I tell him "nothing, just tired." 
Oh world's full of lie.

I know it's my fault, oh I didn't regret everything that's happened back then, maybe I just know before this happen, well actually my head knows sooner or later this will happen, but my heart still can't accept it yet. Oh screw me, I just hoping the impossible thing will be possible if I have faith on it. Well I guess I'm wrong. :)
"I know that someone came into our life to teach you lessons, well God let that person crossed our path just to teach you the lesson you have to learn." 
It's either to let go, or to stay with them for the rest of our lives. OH I really wish the reason is to stay for the rest of my life. But I guess God didn't have the same idea with me. haha.. You know, I only had one wish, I only want once in a lifetime boyfriend will be my once in a lifetime husband, now it's all gone. I can't fulfill my lifetime wishes. Pity me. haha I'm a daydreamer, I dream of the thing that not everyone can do it.

Someone told me, "heads up girl, you're precious, he's dumb enough to let a girl like you go from his life. Cheer up! Be happy! Oh please, don't get hurt more.."
Well that someone just one of my friend that I met at beauty course. Not gonna tell her name, but it means a lot for me, remembering that she didn't know me well enough and long enough to understand that something's not okay with me. Thankyou, at least there's someone who care.

Two days back then, I asked God,
"Why me?"
"Why this is happened to me?"
"Why again?"
Still, I didn't get an answers. Not yet.
He's my first, even when he said that he might be my first boyfriend, but not my first love.
I still count him as my first love. I know this wasn't my first heartbreak, I had many okay.
But I don't know why, I just couldn't let him go.
I asked myself "Why?" I didn't get any answer either.
My mind told me to let go, but my heart couldn't.
I told myself, "If we both really meant to be together, no matter how long, how far, how hard it is, you will always find a way to be together, no matter what. Let them go, if he's coming back to you, he's yours. Good things happen to those who patiently wait. Maybe we're not meant to be together today, but someday, we will."

I keep reminding myself to not to look back, I packed all the stuffs, pictures, and everything. I told myself, let the memories remain just as memories, you have to move forward, show him that he's wrong, that he should've try, because I know I was worth the fight.
OH I wish forgetting people is as easier as deleting photos from i-phone!! :(
No words can exactly describes my feelings for now.

OH God, I thankful enough I had one friend, not just a friend, she's my best friend, my sister, my partner in crime, she knows me from the beginning to the end of story. She accompanied me when I need someone the most. She cheer me up. I'm glad to have her. Thankyou Gab for always stay by my side when everyone else's leave. Thanks for understanding me, thanks for handling me in my hard times. It's good enough to have one friend that knows you than having a tons of friend but none of them understand you.
I really wish this pain will gone really soon.
And I'll be okay, someday, just not today. :(

I thank God that I am be able to meet someone as good as you are, be able to spent almost a year knowing each other, I learned a lot from you, thank you for almost everything even if it's good or bad. I just wish you had a great life, take care of yourself, and learn to be more mature from now. Good luck for your job, just so you know that my prayer always be with you, no matter what happen. God always be with you. :')

"Ich liebe dich mehr als du weißt.
 Ich hoffe, dass wir eines Tages wieder zusammen sein."

 The last big hug :)


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