so today I got so many things that running in my mind, if you be able to see what's inside my brain, it's a total mess, over-capacity, over-limit, yeah I guess that's how I can describe it. I know it's sound TOO MUCH, or too drama, too.. whatever. I always had the thought that someday everything's gonna make sense, OH I really wish I had someone to share everything, I mean someone who I can trust, someone who can perfectly understands my situations and conditions without judging, someone who can encourage me, someone who can move forward with me, someone who stay when everyone leave. It's been a while I didn't talk heart-to-heart here.
You know I'm not that kind of person who freely talks and discuss about my private life, I'm not that kind of person who easily express what I really feel. I am stubborn. I am impatient. I am childish, I am vindictive, etc. I'd choose to not to talk about my problems until I reach the limit. I know that's not good, well you know everyone isn't the same, not everyone can accept your statements. I've been trying so hard to be a good person, I try to reduce my anger, I try to understand people's feelings & conditions & situations. I know in life, you have to work more harder to get what you really want, it takes time and patience to achieve what you really deserve. You know nothing worth having comes easy, right?
To be honest, deep inside, I feel so tired with all of this crap, I mean the situation, condition, this un-describeable feelings, this anger & jealousy. I never thought that growing up is much harder than final exams. Well I guess I understand why Peterpan didn't want to grow up. hahaha. OH GOD dammit! :(
Well last week on Sunday evening, me and my friends is going to Church together, I see that everyone's having their own problems, those soul that seeks for the best solutions for their problems. They seeks for their happiness, hands that willing to hold them when they're broken, those people who seek tranquility, those people who've been hurt mentally & physically. I know that I'm not the only one who had problems right. And that day, they're discussing about "First Love".
First of all, I'm not that religious type of person, I do whatever I like as long as I didn't do a wrong thing, and live my life straight, I don't need to show to people as if I was a religious person. I did the right thing and avoid what I thought was wrong. I'm not a person who likes to interfere in other people's business, because I don't like it when there are other people who casually meddle my own business. Just take care of your own life, why should we take care of other people's problems. And note this, just because I whine a lot in here, doesn't mean that I'm an attention seeker OKAY? Tell ya, I wrote whatever I want, this is my blog remember? You have no right to complaining. :)
I just try to distance myself from you, I know it's fuckin' hard to do, but what else can I do? Tell me, can you? And if you tell me to stay, I'll stay, no matter what, no matter how hurt it is, no matter how hard it is, but if you tell me to leave, I will, I don't want to make your life more complicated, more miserable, more frustrating, etc. I know you've been trying SO hard, I try to understand, I try to accept it even it kills me inside.
BUT, if you really want me to leave you, forget all about us, and want me to move on, promise me you'll have a better life, promise me you'll forget me, promise me you'll be able to find someone who's WORTH having you and never take you for granted, promise me you'll never do stupid things, promise me you'll be a firm kind of person.
And I promise you, I will never ever forget every single thing about you, I will never ever do something stupid, I will always remember you as my sweetest whatever. You know I love you and I thought I would never ever love anyone else as big as my love for you. I know you might not be my first love, but I know you are the one who matter the most, you are the one who makes me don't want to sleep because reality seems more better than my dreams.
I won't chase you, because this time, I wanted to be the one who chased. It's been so hard for me to let you go. OH GOD please just end up this nightmare, tell me that this all just a bad dream. Tell me that we're destined to be together, tell me that I still can hold him in my arms, tell me please! If this all was just a bad dream, wake me up. And if this love only exist in my dreams, please don't wake me up. :'(
I remember when I'm going to church last Sunday, the pastor said:
"Let God interfere in every problems that you're dealing with, surely he will give you the best way out of your problem."
I guess this is the end of Heart-to-Heart post, seeyou in the next post later you guys!
"He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds."
- Psalm 147:3