ah I don't know why today I feel so so so damn frustrated, well first of all, It's not because of anyone or someone, when I wake up from my long sleep today, I just feel like my soul is not in my body *I guess it's too much*, or maybe I could say that I feel like I am not alive even I'm still breathing though, it's like there's something is lost, I don't feel like I'm alive, hahaha it's like your body is still here but your soul is gone nowhere.
Yeah I know that my life is tough these days, I know that life is not easy, it gets hard sometimes, yeah nobody's said that life is easy right, sometimes you get what you want, sometimes you didn't, sometimes you're happy, and sometimes you're sad, you feel pain, happiness, sorrow, I know i wasn't supposed to whine a lot. I am grateful with my life, I am so thankful, because not everyone could have a good and great life as mine right? I am thankful to have such a good parents, brothers, cousins, and big families, though sometimes they're not all good, you know that every family had that one person or more that screwed things up. I didn't said that they're all like that, but yeah I doesn't like them, they're just a siblings, NOT any of my considers. Yeah you could say that I am evil, mean, or whatever. But it's my life, you got problem with it, that's your problem, not mine right?
Maybe when you look at me and see how I live my life, I have nothing to think about, everything seems so great, I always got whatever I wanted, I don't have to work harder to get what I wanted, I didn't take college, shopping a lot, I got a car, I'm partying, I go whenever I wanted, who doesn't want to be me? Yeah everyone who knows it always tell me that I'm lucky, yeah I admit it I am lucky enough right? But, it's not what I wanted, I know that I am the only one girl in my whole family, I had two elder brothers, the first one is 10 years older than me, and the second one is 4 years older than me, and also I am the youngest from the other cousins, lucky right? LOL. Yeah sometimes I feel just lucky, why? I am the lasts grandchild, the youngest, and just so you know that in my big family, there's only two girls from total 13 grandchildren. It's my sister (cousin) and of course me, she's 10 years older than me, you can say that her age's same with my big bro. And because now she's already married, so there's only me left. LOL. But hey, I don't want to get married now, I'm still freshly 20!
You know what, I love it when we're gathered together, I mean my big family from my mom nor my dad, but what I doesn't like if my grandma (from my mother) always asked me, and my brothers (my 2nd bro and another cousins) "Have a gf/bf or not? If you had, just bring them here let me know, and if you both are match, just get married ASAP." wtf! Yeah I know and understand that the elder wants to see their grandchild married while they still can, but pleaseeeeee don't ask me about it everytime we met, ok maybe once or twice in couple moths is okay, but it's like each time we meet, she always ask about it, not only me, but my cousins and my 2nd bro too. :-s
I remember that when I'm still in elementary, I said that I want to get married in the age 20. LOL. Silly me! While we're all growing older, I want to get married at least when I'm 23. Well I didn't say that I have to get married in the age 23, but if it's possible, then why not? LOLOLOLL! My mom always said, "kamu udah umur brp blm punya pacar? mama dulu aja umur 21 udah married."
I was like... MOMMMM, I know I'm 20 now, but pleaseee it's not in your era, where your parents can match you with their friends son/daughter. It's on my era! Not every guy or girl are all good. IF finding the right person is like picking your favorite shoes on the closets, I bet I am now married okay?? It's NOT that easy, I wish it was, but you know in your era, not all the boys are good right? Enough said. And just let you know, I don't have any consider to have boyfriend now, as you may know, I'm a brokenhearted girl. LOL! Didn't say that I'm still sad or whatever, but yeah I don't have any consider about boys, love, or whatever you said.
I just try to enjoy my life now, eventhough sometimes I feel tired, Idk why, it's like I have no more spirits to live, but HEY don't you ever had a negative thinking about it, I will never gonna end my life just because I said I'm tired. I'm not that stupid okay? I am thankful that God still give me chances to live until today, eventhough I've been through some situations that almost killed me back then. He gave me a great body (though I whine a lot of my fatty body), beautiful face (sorry,narcissism me), a complete hands and feet, be able to take school, be able to have some good friends, be able to love, to hate, to cry, to speak, and having such a great family. I am grateful and blessed! :)
It's already December, which mean I have to prepare for Christmas and Newyear as well! Well I still don't have any plans yet, but I hope this year I won't spent it all alone. But yeah I really wish I could spent my new year with someone, not going to mention his name or whatever. And also didn't forget about this 20th December, Alexandra Stan at M-one Superclub! Hell yeah, but don't know whether I should go or not, because that day is my parents Wedding Anniversary too, ohh choices...
Well that's enough for tonight, I'll see you in the next post guys.. :)